Little miss serial killer librarian

Would you like to meet “the girl of your screams” this Halloween? Look no further than the title character in Chainsaw Sally (2004)!

In this lower-than-low-budget indie horror film — made with a budget of $40,000, at least half of which must have gone toward purchasing gallons of fake blood — Sally Diamon (played with red-lipped relish by April Monique Burril) plays a buttoned-up librarian by day and serial killer by night. The ultimate Naughty Librarian.

By day By night
Reel Librarians |  'Chainsaw Sally' screenshot Reel Librarians |  'Chainsaw Sally' screenshot
Wears drab, oversized clothing Wears short, tight clothing, ripped stockings, corsets
Says phrases like “hunky dory” and “that’s swell” Curses and uses sexual innuendos
Wields a pointing finger to say “shhhhhh” to loud patrons Wields a chainsaw to slice up patrons who break library rules

I first wrote about this Class I film last Halloween in this round-up of killer librarians. I had also bought a DVD copy of the film, but didn’t get around to watching it until this Halloween. This low-rent film seems to have achieved a kind of cult status, even inspiring two seasons of web series, entitled “The Chainsaw Sally Show,” both starring April Monique Burril as the titular character (in more ways than one). It should come of no surprise that the director of all things Chainsaw Sally, Jimmyo Burril, is also the husband of the main star. In fact, April Monique Burril was pregnant during the filming of this first film!

Even though it seems to be a minor cult film, is it any good? The film seems to have inspired an either love-it-or-hate-it kind of reaction. Some find the purposefully over-the-top gore and camp refreshing, like in the DVD Verdict review here, whose reviewer proclaimed it as a “nifty little indie horror-comedy,” while others dislike the trashy, low-rent look and feel. It is decidedly trashy, but also very self-aware of being so. The overall acting talent, as well as the production values and sets, are really bad, be warned. Really bad. And the ending is ludicrous. Throughout the film, I was also distracted by the main star because she kept reminding me of someone. Toward the end, I figured it out:  April Monique Burril looks like a cross between Shelley Duvall and Kristen Stewart!

Actress lookalikes
Click collage for sources

Ok, so what’s the film all about? No spoilers that Little Miss Chainsaw Sally is a serial killer, sawing off victims left and right in a small Maryland town called Porterville. But how did she become a serial killer? The film has an easy answer for that:  Sally and her brother, Ruby (who grows up to be a stay-at-home transvestite), witnessed their parents’ murders years earlier when they were kids. Flashbacks reveal that they witnessed three escaped mental patients shoot their father before raping and killing their mother. But lo and behold, their father managed to kill the killers with a chainsaw before dying of the gunshot wound. And just to MAKE SURE we pieced together all the bits of symbolism, we see that Sally also wore her hair in braided pigtails during the traumatic event, as seen below; no wonder she does the same when she straps on the chainsaw as an adult.

Reel Librarians  |  'Chainsaw Sally' screenshot

The film also has a few scenes set in the home that Sally and Ruby share together. It is a rarity to see any kind of home life for a reel librarian. And this reel librarian’s home is definitely a house of horrors.

Reel Librarians  |  'Chainsaw Sally' screenshot

We’ve covered the why, now on to the who. Because her daddy’s dying words were that he killed the men because they were bad, Sally sticks to killing people she decides are bad. And because she’s a librarian … that’s right, she goes after people who disrespect librarians and the library! She and “Conan the Librarian” in UHF would probably have a lot to talk about. ;)

What counts as a killable offense in Sally’s book? Let’s take a look at some of her victims in this film (SPOILERS):

  • A man who talks loudly in the library, spouting off curse words and heckling his girlfriend for needing to finish a school report. He also sasses Miss Sally, calling her “Miss Frosted Flake and “frigid little freak.” He gets sliced in the library bathroom, with Sally’s words ringings in his ears, “I said, be quiet in the library.” Should have paid attention to the sign, dude.

Reel Librarians  |  'Chainsaw Sally' screenshot

  • A young woman named Tina never returns a book she checked out. Sally hunts her down in the woods, yelling, “Is it not true that in June of last year you checked out a book from the public library? … And is it not true that since then that book has not been able to be checked out by any other patron of the Porterville Public Library? Is it?!”
  • A young woman who works at the local ice cream truck misspells “malt” on an order form and also makes fun of Sally when she tries to correct her misspelling. Later, after seducing the Ice Cream Girl at a nightclub one night and taking her home, Sally gets revenge by carving out the correctly spelled word on the girl’s belly.

Reel Librarians  |  'Chainsaw Sally' screenshot

I get that the film’s tone is firmly tongue-in-bloodied-cheek. The ultimate message? Don’t mess with a librarian! (And return books on time. Seriously. You really are depriving others if you don’t bother to return items you’ve checked out. Golden rule, y’all.) But the film also wants it both ways. It wants to make fun of librarian stereotypes and all those library rules, but it also wants to give Sally an easy out with her family’s tragic backstory.

And even though Sally uses library rule-breaking as an excuse to kill, they are just that — excuses. Every person Sally kills has insulted her personally, or insulted other women in her presence. And each of those insults earns a look that could kill. Literally.

ChainsawSallyStare

Reel Librarians  |  'Chainsaw Sally' screenshot

Reel Librarians  |  'Chainsaw Sally' screenshot

There are also lots of fun nods to scary movies or memorabilia throughout the film:

  • The film opens with a closeup of a “Miss Sally” nameplate, as well as a closeup of the book Sally’s reading, The Big Book of Serial Killers

Reel Librarians  |  'Chainsaw Sally' screenshot

  • The calendar on the wall by Sally’s desk reads October

Reel Librarians  |  'Chainsaw Sally' screenshot

  • Sally and her brother reenact scenes from scary movies, like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but her brother keeps confusing scary movie villains and plotlines

In the midst of all the killing, does Sally do any work during her day job? Yes … to a degree. She helps a local real estate owner, Steve Kellerman, locate articles about her parents’ murders (after first cutting out any mention of herself, of course, in old newspaper clippings, of course). And upon discovery of the (self-)mutilated clippings, she complains, “Why do some people have to destroy everything?”

Reel Librarians  |  'Chainsaw Sally' screenshot

We also see her interact briefly with a blind library assistant, George (Kit Bateman), an Information Provider there to reinforce the library setting. In a scene late in the film, she asks him if he minds “watching things out here” while she makes a private phone call. He responds, “No problem, hon.” Awkward.

Reel Librarians  |  'Chainsaw Sally' screenshot

Last, but not least, I’ll finish with some choice quotes about our resident serial killer librarian:


Guy at pool hall (talking about ex-girlfriend):  She’s a mental case.

Sally:  And how do you know I’m not a mental case?

Guy:  I can tell, babes. You got your shit together. There ain’t nothing wrong with a girl like you.


Bumbling cop:  Librarians. It’s always the quiet ones.  Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I dated a mime?


Steve Kellerman:  There is more strangeness here than you may be aware of. You just might be the most normal person in this town.

Sally:  That’s funny.


Funny, indeed. Of course, Steve is wrong about our Chainsaw Sally. Dead wrong. ;)

Happy Halloween!

The Killing Kind vs. The Attic

As I mentioned in last week’s post, The Attic (1980) serves as a kind of cinematic continuation of two characters featured in The Killing Kind (1973). I have a copy of both films, so I set about watching The Killing Kind this past weekend and comparing the two. There are some eery similarities in both films, but some interesting differences, as well. Enjoy!

(Beware:  SPOILER ALERTS throughout)


Basic details:


The Killing Kind The Attic
1973 1980
Director:  Curtis Harrington Directors:  George Edwards & Gary Graver (uncredited)
Screenwriters:  Tony Crechales & George Edwards Screenwriters:  Tony Crechales & George Edwards
Filmed in and around Los Angeles, California Filmed and set in Wichita, Kansas
Reel Librarians  |  'The Killing Kind' poster Reel Librarians  |  'The Attic' poster

The two screenwriters,  Tony Crechales and George Edwards, wrote both films, and they obviously wanted to further explore the themes and characters introduced in the first film.


Opening scene:


The Killing Kind (1973) The Attic (1980)
The film begins with a gang rape of a young girl on a beach. Terry Lambert (John Savage), the central character, is involved in the gang rape by peer pressure, taunted by his friends to participate. This film begins with the suicide attempt of Louise Elmore, the reel librarian. She is watching old home movies of her ex-fiance and has slit her wrists.

Both films begin with a violent opening scene. The later film starts with a more subtle visual introduction to the suicide attempt, panning around Louise’s bedroom before closing in on her bloody wrists. The first film, however, is quite shocking in its immediate, graphic depiction of a gang rape.

It is also important to note that there are also several depictions of violent, gruesome murders in this first film, which qualifies more as a horror film or thriller. The second film is more of a suspenseful drama, with depictions of murderous fantasies in place of actual murders.


Central characters & conflict:


The Killing Kind (1973) The Attic (1980)
Terry Lambert (John Savage) and his mother, Thelma (Ann Sothern). Terry comes back to live with his mother after spending 2 years in jail for the rape. Mysteriously, those with a connection to the rape — and subsequent prosecution — start being killed off. Louise Elmore (Carrie Snodgress) and her father, Wendell (Ray Milland). Louise is a librarian being forced to retire, and has been forced to take care of her wheelchair-bound father all her adult life.
Terry’s mother, Thelma, is overbearing in the sense that she is too intimate with her son, almost smothering him with affection. She often kisses him and demands more kisses (“That wasn’t much of a kiss”) but then complains that she will “get a hickey.” She also surprises him in the shower in one scene and takes a photo of him naked. Wendell is overbearing in that he is repeatedly cruel in his actions and words toward Louise. He is constantly criticizing and berating her verbally, comparing her unfavorably to her mother. He does stay too long in her bedroom in one scene, watching her get dressed, until Louise tells him to leave.
Terry makes a point of calling his mother “Thelma” instead of “Mom” or “Mother” — further confusing the boundaries of their mother/son relationship Louise always refers to her father as “Father” and never calls, or refers, to him by his first name.

Both films feature former screen stars in prominent roles:  Ann Sothern and Ruth Roman in The Killing Kind (1980), and Ray Milland in The Attic (1980).

It is also interesting to note that the central relationships in both films focus on single parents, but the gender of the single parent is switched (one mother vs. one father).


The reel librarian:


The Killing Kind (1973) The Attic (1980)
Luana Anders as Louise (no last name), a supporting role Carrie Snodgress as Louise Elmore, the main character
Class III Class I
Reel Librarians  |  'The Killing Kind' screenshot Reel Librarians | 'The Attic' screenshot
Louise does not mention her occupation until her second big scene, when she talks to Terry by the pool. She also doesn’t mention what kind of library she works in. Louise is identified as a librarian right away, in the first scene after the opening credits. It is quite clear that she works in a public library and is referred to as the “head librarian.”
Louise is the only reel librarian in this film. There are three other librarians featured in this film besides Louise:  Ruth Cox as Emily, a supporting character and second female lead; Terry Troutt as Donald; and Frances Bay as Librarian, an older lady

Luana Anders was 35 during The Killing Kind (1973), and Carrie Snodgress was 34 during filming of The Attic (1980). The two actresses look similar in that they are about the same age and both white females with light brown hair. Louise in the first film wears glasses — and always sports the same hairstyle of bangs and a low bun. In the second film, Louise does NOT wear glasses, and changes up her hairstyle quite frequently.

It’s interesting to note that Louise’s age is specified in the first film, as she has Terry guess her age; he (correctly) guesses 35. Louise’s disappointed reaction? “Too old?” Louise’s age in the second film is not explicitly stated, but she must be around 40 years old, considering that she was jilted 19 years before. So, age-wise, one could see the second film as a natural continuation from events in the first film.


The father:


The Killing Kind (1973) The Attic (1980)
Peter Brocco as Louise’s Father (no name) Ray Milland as Wendell Elmore
Reel Librarians  |  'The Killing Kind' screenshot Reel Librarians  |  'The Attic' screenshot

Both characters are wheelchair-bound, although the reasons why are explored more in the second film. The two actors approach the role quite differently. In The Killing Kind (1973), Peter Brocco seems to play the role a bit effeminately, as evidenced by lifting up his pinkie finger to sip tea, the abundance of makeup on his face (although that could be shoddy film makeup work), and his whiny, needling voice. He seems to be of a weaker internal character than that of the cruel, confident, bombastic Wendell in The Attic (1980).

Also, in both films, Louise admits to having fantasies about harming or killing her father. In The Killing Kind (1973), Louise tells Terry that “[S]ometimes I have this terrific urge to put ground glass in my father’s food. I can almost hear his false teeth grinding on the glass.” In The Attic (1980), the film visually acts out several of Louise’s fantasies about killing her father, including putting poison in his glass at dinner.


The library:


The Killing Kind (1973) The Attic (1980)
No scene set in the library; Louise is seen only in her bedroom or around the neighboring houses Several scenes set at the city library, including a retirement party scene.
Louise first shows up 12 minutes into the film, typing on a typewriter and sitting at an outdoor table with her father in a wheelchair beside her. A long scene after the opening credits introduces the physical library space. There are also external shots of the library exterior, including wide front steps and a closeup of the “City Library” sign etched in stone.
Reel Librarians  |  'The Killing Kind' screenshot Reel Librarians  |  'The Attic' screenshot

Both characters state — in no uncertain terms — that their work in the library is boring. (SIGH.) However, in the second film, Louise seems genuinely sad both during and after her retirement party.


The fires:


The Killing Kind (1973) The Attic (1980)
The first scene in which we meet Louise and her father, their conversation hints that Terry set their house on fire, because, as he puts it, “the boy’s a psychopath.” There’s no mention, however, that the fire is tied to the father’s paralysis or why he’s in a wheelchair. In the first scene set in the library, a gossipy old lady hints that the reason Louise is being retired is due to an accidental fire in the library. She also hints at a prior house fire that caused the paralysis of Louise’s father — the implication that Louise caused both fires.
In a later scene, in which Louise tries to seduce Terry after having a few drinks, she reveals that “I have these hallucinations that are so real about burning all the books!” Louise also describes the book-burning scene, but this time to a younger librarian, Emily. “The books were my enemy. Destroy them, before they destroy you, a voice whispered to me. It felt so wonderful, to see all those books going up in flames.” This description is accompanied by a visual depiction of the book-burning.
There are no visual representations of Louise’s hallucinations in this film. Reel Librarians | 'The Attic' screenshot

Sex and the single librarian:


The Killing Kind (1973) The Attic (1980)
There are two sexually charged scenes in this film. One occurs a little over a half-hour into the film, after Louise has been drinking. She has been watching Terry swim in the pool at night and goes over to talk. She reveals several personal tidbits (like wanting to burn all the books) and then moves closer to Terry, even taking off her glasses and rubbing them along his thigh. Then she reveals another personal fantasy, “It must feel wonderful. [...] Being raped. I wouldn’t have told on you.” !!!!! While there are several shots of old home movies featuring a young Louise kissing Robert, there is only one overtly sexual scene in this film. When Louise goes to the movies and then goes back to a hotel room with a sailor, she is visibly nervous and over-talkative. It isn’t until she pretends the stranger, the sailor, is her ex-fiance — even calling him Robert — does she engage in sex. This act of “getting laid” (her exact words) begins her slow climb to self-confidence and independence.
Reel Librarians  |  'The Killing Kind' screenshot Reel Librarians  |  'The Attic' screenshot
The other sexual scene comes in ten minutes later, when Louise goes over to the pool — this time in daylight — to make excuses for her behavior. Terry makes fun of her (“Why don’t you just hop into a goddamn cold shower?”), but Louise turns on him instead. She has a cruel smile on her face as she taunts his guitar-playing:  “That thing that you hold so close to you, like a woman, you can’t even play it.” Late in the film, after being retired from the library, Louise mistakes (hallucinates?) the young man who comes over to mow the lawn as her ex-fiance, Robert. Dressed in a nightgown, she goes out to the young man and tries to kiss him, as she believes he has finally come back to her. She is ridiculed later by her father for this embarrassing incident.
Reel Librarians  |  'The Killing Kind' screenshot Reel Librarians | 'The Attic' screenshot

Different librarian roles:


The Killing Kind (1973) The Attic (1980)
In this film, Louise comes across as no-nonsense. She stands up to her father frequently and seems almost dismissive of him. She also declares her independent streak, stating outright that she’s not afraid of Terry. She also taunts Terry in a later scene. In the later film, Louise has a more multi-faceted personality; this is not unusual, given that she is the main character and given more scenes and scope to explore emotionally. Overall, Louise is more tentative, pathetic, and less confident. She also expresses sensitivity and openness to her librarian friend, Emily.
In her relationship with her father, she comes across the more domineering, cruel personality. In her relationship with her father, Wendell is the more domineering personality.
In the scene where she tries to seduce Terry, she does reveal her loneliness. “I’d rather be with somebody I didn’t like than to be alone.” Louise is very lonely, but the cause of this loneliness is explained by being left at the altar 19 years ago.
We see Louise hiding a liquor bottle behind her pillow one night when her father comes up at bedtime. She also apologizes for her drunken behavior to Terry. It’s interesting to note that she does admit her drinking. “Like I said, I was drunk.” Louise is shown drinking in several scenes but never admits her alcoholism. Rather, she makes excuses for having a drink at lunch, etc. and hides a bottle behind the front library counter.
Reel Librarians  |  'The Killing Kind' screenshot Reel Librarians | 'The Attic' screenshot
Louise serves the role of a Naughty Librarian in this film. She’s shown to be a peeping tom — even with binoculars! — spying on Terry and his increasingly violent behavior. She also tries to seduce Terry one night by the pool — and resorts to vindictive behavior when her sexual desires are rebuffed. Louise’s primary role in this film is that of a Liberated Librarian. She is a trapped/naïve woman who discovers herself — and what she’s capable of — under extreme circumstances. Louise’s “liberation” supplies the main plot of this film.

Biddies and birdies:


The Killing Kind (1973) The Attic (1980)
Mrs. Orland is the name of an older, gossipy woman. She rents a room in Thelma’s house and is shown to be affectionate toward Terry. Mrs. Orland is played by character actress Marjorie Eaton. Mrs. Fowler is the name of the older, gossipy woman who reveals the back story about the fires. Although the character name is different, it’s played by the SAME character actress, Marjorie Eaton!
Reel Librarians  |  'The Killing Kind' screenshot Reel Librarians | 'The Attic' screenshot
Terry buys a myna bird for his mother, after one of her cats mysteriously dies early on in the film. The myna bird calls out, “Are you a good boy?” repeatedly through the film — which was the original working title for the film! When the two main librarians, Louise and Emily, stop by the pet store, there are both birds and chimps pictured in the front window. Emily eventually buys the chimp as a present for Louise.
There are a few shots of stuffed animals, particularly a stuffed teddy bear and a Raggedy Andy doll that Terry curls up to after another gruesome murder. The film begins with shots of stuffed animal monkeys, which cover every surface of Louise’s bedroom.
Reel Librarians  |  'The Killing Kind' screenshot Reel Librarians | 'The Attic' screenshot

There are still more striking similarities and differences between the two films. For example, Terry has personal hallucinations in The Killing Kind (1973) that feature Louise the librarian vs. the hallucinations in The Attic (1980) that come from Louise herself. Also, Louise’s bedroom in the first film is quite stark and sparsely furnished, whereas Louise’s bedroom in the second is quite cluttered and almost juvenile in tone (because she’s mentally stuck 19 years in the past).

All in all, I found this an intriguing exercise in comparing and contrasting the two films. Each film does stand alone on its own merits. While, like I said before, the two films are not officially recognized as a series, the recurring characters of Louise and her wheelchair-bound father, as well as the recurring themes of fires, hallucinations, overbearing parents, and repressed sexual desires do strongly link the two films together.

My super ex-girlfriend is not a librarian

Years ago, I had picked up a $5 used copy of My Super Ex-Girlfriend (2006), because the trailer mentioned a librarian (see below). And then I forgot about the movie. But one night recently, we finally dug this DVD out. Uma Thurman plays Jenny Johnson as well as her superhero alter ego G-Girl. She starts dating Matt (Luke Wilson), but goes crazy when he breaks up with her — like throwing-a-shark-into-his-apartment-kind-of-crazy. An odd movie all the way around. It’s like the idea for the movie was pitched back in the early ’90s, but it didn’t get the green light until over a decade later.

Oh, and there’s no librarian in it, making it a Class V film. However! Not all is lost. There are some interesting references to librarians and libraries throughout.

About 5 minutes in, we get introduced to Matt, who’s on the subway with his friend Vaughn (Rainn Wilson) and they spy Jenny across the way.

Vaughn’s the first one to notice her:

Oh, dude, check her out. Wow. What do we have here? Kind of uptight librarian on the outside. Ready to rumble on the inside. Go ask her out.

Fast forward to their first date, we learn that she’s NOT a librarian, but rather an assistant curator at an art gallery. And here’s how Matt describes his work:

I’m a project manager at a design firm. We design and build, like, private estates, libraries, hotels. That sort of thing.

Also, in the scene that introduces Luke Wilson’s work environment, there’s yet another library reference. (Also interesting that the references to libraries came mostly in introductory scenes).

Matt and co-worker hottie, Hannah (Anna Faris), are shelving some books. Or rather, Hannah is on the ladder, shelving, while he’s checking out her rear end when his boss, Carla (Wanda Sykes), walks in.

Carla: What are you doing?

Matt: Oh, nothing, just reshelving some reference material, trying to stay ahead.

Carla: You were staring at her butt.

Busted!

The design firm’s reference library — and library ladder! — even make it into the credits:

I wouldn’t have been surprised if the filmmakers had decided to go the librarian route for Jenny’s occupation — and they still managed to sneak in a Naughty Librarian kind of reference, with the whole prim-librarian-on-the-outside but a wild-woman-on-the-inside remark at the beginning. Which they TOTALLY cash in on in the film’s trailer:

It actually was refreshing to hear several compliments regarding Jenny’s appearance in her “real life” disguise. For example, Matt says in a later scene, “You look nice without your glasses. You look good with them, too.” So why the decision to not make her a librarian in real life? Maybe skipping in and out of the library regularly for superhero quests would have been more noticeable than in an art gallery.

And bonus! This shot — when Jenny strips off her glasses to reveal her “true” identity as G-Girl to Matt — could have totally been a promo for a Naughty Librarian, eh?

Little Miss Naughty

Ooh, I am going to get so many misdirected hits off of this post. ;)

When visiting our families down in Texas last month, my in-laws held a fun birthday party for all of us August and early September babies (there are a lot of us, plus a few anniversaries sprinkled in around that time, as well). One of my gifts from my sister-in-law’s family was this adorable “Little Miss Naughty” bag. So perfect!

Here’s a close-up of the bag: 

So, I guess it’s official — with this bag, I am the Naughty Librarian.

Little Miss Naughty

And here’s a shot of my original “Little Miss Naughty” book from when I was a kid. I loooooved these square-shaped books, and I still have a lot of these Mr. Men and Little Miss books by Roger Hargreaves. Please click here for more on this fun series. (Mr. Tickle was the first! And that’s Mr. Tickle, below, about to tickle Little Miss Naughty! Umm, yeah, sooooo many misdirected blog hits. ;))

Debbie does a play

During my research of librarian films, I have come across two erotic films, Debbie Does Dallas (1978) and Alice in Wonderland: An X-Rated Musical Comedy (1976) that reportedly include librarian characters. I haven’t seen either film yet, and I don’t intend to include straight-to-video adult films that include librarians on this site — that’s a whole other subset of Naughty Librarians that I won’t get into. But these two films were both highly successful at the time and considered classics of their kind, produced during the so-called “Golden Age of Porn” where adult films became more mainstream. Just telling it as it is, folks.

The plot of Debbie Does Dallas is quite simple:  a group of cheerleaders try to earn enough money to send Debbie to try out for the “Texas Cowgirls” squad (obviously a riff off the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders). How do they earn that money? There’s a reason it’s called the oldest profession in the world, of course. ;)

As I detailed in a earlier post about how I find new titles to watch, I routinely check my Master List against various sources. And imagine my surprise when I found a copy of Debbie Does Dallas in my local community college consortium — not the film, alas, but the play! I had no idea that the film had been adapted for the stage, but indeed, Debbie Does Dallas: The Musical was created in 2001 by Susan L. Schwartz for the New York International Fringe Festival. It was adapted by Erica Schmidt, with original musical numbers by Andrew Sherman.

And indeed, there is a librarian in the play, a Mr. Biddle. Here’s how he’s described in the script notes:

Mr. Biddle works at the high-school library. He is repressed and reserved. Biddle is of a forgotten generation in his principles and etiquette. (He is a male character in a porno and he does not want sex.) He is smart, rash, quick to anger and passionate about poetry.

From that description, I immediately thought Anti-Social Male Librarian, the male equivalent of the Spinster Librarian. This type of reel librarian tends to hoard knowledge, exhibits poor social skills, dislikes people, and focuses on rules. Makes sense, right?

Mr. Biddle is definitely a minor character, turning up in only a few scenes. In Scene 8, “Girls Get Jobs,” the poet cheerleader Donna asks if she can work at the library. He is reluctant, but is convinced by Donna’s scintillating argument:  “I could help by watching books and stamping and stuff.” (Sigh.) His response?  “Oh, ok.” (Double sigh.)

Getting spanked in Debbie Does Dallas the Musical

His biggest and final scene comes in Scene 20, “The Library.” Mr. Biddle catches Donna and her boyfriend Tim fooling around. Angry, he shouts, “You know the rules here. How could you so wantonly break them?” Afraid he will tell her parents, she allows him to spank her (see right). And then he asks her to spank him:  “I always wanted to be bent over and spanked by a cheerleader ’cause I’m a bad and nasty boy.” Donna readily agrees, calling him “Bad Biddle.” This sets him back $105.

And with that, he also serves as a Naughty Librarian — the males of this type, unlike the female Naughty Librarians, are generally unattractive (check) and interested in deviant or unusual sexual acts (check).

So is the play successful? The scenes are extremely short, with repeated occurrences of inane dialogue. I lost count of how many times I read, “Oh, ok” and “Ok, bye.” The sex acts are hinted at or simulated or played with bananas (not kidding, see below). In truth, I rolled my eyes at the self-described tone of the play, as set out in the introductory notes:

The style of this piece is: rodeo-porno-football-circus. Every performer must be willing to go over the top and yet NOT BE CAMPY. The performances are meant to be big in size but never winking at the audience.

Debbie Does Dallas on the stage

Does Mr. Biddle’s character in the play mimic his reel counterpart? Apparently so, as according to Frank Vigorito’s review from the 2001 New York International Fringe Festival, “Debbie’s plot and script are word-for-word faithful to the original 1978 film.” And the scenes feel so short because of the removal of the sex scenes, so scenes “seemingly occur about every 30 seconds.” I agree with Vigorito’s final verdict:

Essentially, the play moves from one pointless scene of dialogue to the next, with the audience left waiting for something to look forward to, but that moment never arrives, unless you consider the final curtain.

The play is available from Dramatists Play Service, where you can also listen to music samples.